"There are times when I feel like I am the most blessed creature of the divine. While there are those moments too, where I feel like why the hell am I alive. The latter has been more prominent since I don't know which time.
You know, I am a sort of a person who does not require a high maintenance in terms of money. I feel to have achieved alot even if I am the reason for someone's even a slight smile. I don't deny the fact that I've flaws. I am outspoken. I have temper problems. I am annoying at times. I might be rude to you even. But is it all capacitated to question my goodness? Do I really need to justify every move of mine?
Before I mention what I would do, further, just to make it clear that I don't claim anything and not do I claim anything out of it. I just state it out of a lot of that has been in my heart for a long time. I don't know if this is a part of my flaws or a part of the little stock of qualities that I have but I have seen a part of me in every person that I have called mine so far. Be it family or friends or best friends or even those who have been there for a short span. And so I have and still have been living for them - just to see them happy. All I have always prayed to the divine is to give me enough strength to keep them all happy forever even if that takes all my breathes. I find it a power to have the ability to walk with them through all the alleys till the day I die. All this sustains my happiness, my life.
But ironically whenever I have walked my tough roads, I've walked them all alone. If I have ever looked back while treading it has just been for the sake of finding even just one person out of those to be there with me, for me. And the result has always been the same. I have lost against no one else but that part of my heart that said that there will be the people with me whenever I would need them. I have never understood that I should laugh it all away and be proud of the fact that I am strong enough to walk alone or I should pity myself for leaving my parts with those who didn't have time and guts to face it with me. You know, people always had reasons to escape. And I always had reasons to stick by.
Every night, when there would be nothing but obscurity and dead silence, and when tears would decorate my eyes every night before I sleep, all I can feel is that touch of my mother. And that is the one thing that has kept me going so far. I always look at her while she would be sleeping and I thank the divine for giving me that one reason to live for.
I've been abused, I have been judged on my flaws, I have been used, I've been laughed at for being the last one to understand the joke, or being an arts or a graduation student,or talking out loud and much. I feel hurt every single day. I weep silently every night. I kill myself every moment because I have so much built up inside me. I feel helpless for myself. Because I can't share it with anyone. Not even with mom. Because I don't want to hurt her. And not to others because they are escapists.
You know I don't prefer sharing it all even with my best friends because I know they would only have this to say-" I'll be there for you whenever you need me." And trust me, they all fail to prove it. Mere says have made me so thick that now I don't feel like saying anything to anyone except to my mirror. "
P.S. - This is a piece of the long conversation that I had with this man who sat quietly on the bench with me. I don't know who he is. Maybe a frequent park goer or so. So this one's for that man and his life till now. I hope he finds someone to find his solace in.
You know, I am a sort of a person who does not require a high maintenance in terms of money. I feel to have achieved alot even if I am the reason for someone's even a slight smile. I don't deny the fact that I've flaws. I am outspoken. I have temper problems. I am annoying at times. I might be rude to you even. But is it all capacitated to question my goodness? Do I really need to justify every move of mine?
Before I mention what I would do, further, just to make it clear that I don't claim anything and not do I claim anything out of it. I just state it out of a lot of that has been in my heart for a long time. I don't know if this is a part of my flaws or a part of the little stock of qualities that I have but I have seen a part of me in every person that I have called mine so far. Be it family or friends or best friends or even those who have been there for a short span. And so I have and still have been living for them - just to see them happy. All I have always prayed to the divine is to give me enough strength to keep them all happy forever even if that takes all my breathes. I find it a power to have the ability to walk with them through all the alleys till the day I die. All this sustains my happiness, my life.
But ironically whenever I have walked my tough roads, I've walked them all alone. If I have ever looked back while treading it has just been for the sake of finding even just one person out of those to be there with me, for me. And the result has always been the same. I have lost against no one else but that part of my heart that said that there will be the people with me whenever I would need them. I have never understood that I should laugh it all away and be proud of the fact that I am strong enough to walk alone or I should pity myself for leaving my parts with those who didn't have time and guts to face it with me. You know, people always had reasons to escape. And I always had reasons to stick by.
Every night, when there would be nothing but obscurity and dead silence, and when tears would decorate my eyes every night before I sleep, all I can feel is that touch of my mother. And that is the one thing that has kept me going so far. I always look at her while she would be sleeping and I thank the divine for giving me that one reason to live for.
I've been abused, I have been judged on my flaws, I have been used, I've been laughed at for being the last one to understand the joke, or being an arts or a graduation student,or talking out loud and much. I feel hurt every single day. I weep silently every night. I kill myself every moment because I have so much built up inside me. I feel helpless for myself. Because I can't share it with anyone. Not even with mom. Because I don't want to hurt her. And not to others because they are escapists.
You know I don't prefer sharing it all even with my best friends because I know they would only have this to say-" I'll be there for you whenever you need me." And trust me, they all fail to prove it. Mere says have made me so thick that now I don't feel like saying anything to anyone except to my mirror. "
P.S. - This is a piece of the long conversation that I had with this man who sat quietly on the bench with me. I don't know who he is. Maybe a frequent park goer or so. So this one's for that man and his life till now. I hope he finds someone to find his solace in.
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